Look if you had one shot To sit on your lazy butt And watch all the TV you ever wanted Until your brain turned to mush Would you go for it or just let it slip Yo Remote it ready eyes wide palms are sweaty There's Flinstones on the TV already Wilma n Betty No virgin to channel surfin' and I'm HD ready So flip Garbage is all I'm getting There's Simon Cowell who folks wanna disembowel He opens his mouth always says omething foul They're dyin' wow Wannabes are crying now He votes them out time to throw in the towel Shows based on reality oh the humanity Oh Ozzy's family sho' love profanity Whoa the insanity oh dogs that crap and pee Home of depravity No they live happily yo Plus Da Ali G Show and Celebrity Mole Oh and there's Anna Nicole she's scaring me Look ma no cavities Oh it's a station break Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV They told me they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show My cable gets C SPAN TV Land and HBO The Travel Channel Discovery and Lifetime You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV They told me cajoled me Turn off those music videos I'm gonna watch CSPAN TV Land and HBO The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime You're gonna My butt is aching as I watch NASCAR racing That show about undertaking Larry King to 24 to Law And Order The Weather Channel's boring like 60 Minutes ancient reporters Next up on E True Hollywood Story The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey Shows for next fall they've already been namin' CSI Boise and Touched By An Uncle both sound pretty lamen n So does Everybody Tolerates Raymond And King of Queens jumped the shark the first minute I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it I'll move right on to 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter Then I bet I watch bachelorette Followed by Welcome Back Kotter And The Muppet Show where they go 'Mahna Mahna' You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV They told me they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show My cable gets C SPAN TV Land and HBO The Disney Channel and A E and Lifetime You're gonna lose your mind watcin' TV They told me cajorled me But I still love Lisa Kudrow I'm looking at C SPAN TV Land and HBO They Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime You're gonna Never missed Melrose Place or Lost In Space I've seen each Amazing Race and Without A Trace But I only watched Will And Grave one time one day Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay Oh and Fear Factor I watched maybe a half hour After that felt like I needed a long shower Network execs with naked ambitions Next week on FOX watch lions eat Christians Like to tie up those programming planners Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like Scanners Leech covered grub eatin' fools on Survivor Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr Rob 5 chneider And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob plus there's MacGyver And Jay Leno has got Madonna hey there's Luke Perry on a Special all Pig Latin episode of Drew Carey Wanna turn on E T 'cause I'm a gossip freak And I gotta know who J Lo is marryin' this week A 30 second spot then we come back to Are You Hot I was planning on recording The Sopranos ooh I forgot I love shows with or without a plot I'll stare 'til my legs are numb my eyes bloodshot Because I only have got One brain to rot I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot You're gonna lose your mind watching TV They told me they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show My cable gets C SPAN TV Land and HBO The Sci Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime You're gonna lose your mind watching TV They told me cajoled me Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show no I got it on C SPAN TV Land and HBO The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime You're gonna You can watch anything you want to man
I'm not the brightest crayon in the box Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks I barely even know how to put on my own pants But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
Hoom chaka laka Hoom chaka laka Hoom chaka
I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese I got a negative number on my SATs I'm not good looking and I don't know how to dance But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be A genius in France, a genius in France, a genius in France
People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week
But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek They dig my mystique, they say I'm c'est magnifique When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic
They love my body odor and my bad toupee They love my stripey shirt and my stupid beret And when I'm sipping on a Perrier In some cafe town in St. Tropez
It's hard to keep the fans at bay They say, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait" "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool Got too much chlorine in my gene pool
A few peas short of a casserole A few buttons missing on my remote control A few fries short of a happy meal I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel Instructions on the heel
But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response (He's a genius in France! Genius in France!)
That's right (He's a genius in France, genius in France) You know it (He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France)
I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree They say, "Bonjour, Monsieur would you take ze picture with me?"
I say, "Oui, oui" That's right, I say, "Oui, oui" "Oui, oui" He says, "Oui, oui"
I'm dumber than a box of hair But those Frenchies don't seem to care Don't know why, mon frere But they love me there
I'm a genius in France Yeah, I'm a genius in France
Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes Gonna make those Frenchies scream "You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!"
Like a fine Renoir (waa), I've got that je me c'est quoi (quoi!) Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la), I've got that je me c'est ... Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy Bow
[snort]
I'm a taco short of a combo plate But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great Oh, the men all faint and the women scream They like me more than heavy cream
When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie) They think I'm awful witty, a riot and a half When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh(haw haw haw haw haw) And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw)
People in France have lots of attitude They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food But when they see me, they just come unglued They think that I am one happening dude
Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle
Entre nous, it's very true The room temperature's higher than my IQ But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu How did this happen; I don't have a clue
Well, I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm I don't have any skills or grace or charm And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back I'm never never never never goin' back home again I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket Gonna tell the folks back here where they can stick it
'Cause I'm never goin' back I'm never goin' back I'm never goin' back
The girls back home never gave me a chance But I sho' 'nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance And I'm aware that it's a most improbable circumstance But "Great Googily Moogily", I'm a genius in France
Every Frenchie that I meet Just can't wait to kiss my feet Get in line, pucker up! Tout Suite!
Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy
I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
I'm the biggest dork there is alive My mom picked out my clothes for me 'till I was 35 And I forgot to mention I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention
But the Frenchies think That my poop don't stink I'm a genius in France
Say, would you pass the Grey Poupon? Merci beaucoup
Yeah A used ... pink bathrobe A rare ... mint snowglobe A Smurf ... TV tray I bought on eBay
My house ... is filled with this crap Shows up in bubble wrap Most every day What I bought on eBay
Tell me why (I need another pet rock) Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock) Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee) They had it on eBay
I'll buy ... your knick-knack Just check ... my feedback "A++!" they all say They love me on eBay
Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag) Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag) (From some guy) I've never met in Norway Found him on eBay
I am the type who is liable to snipe you With two seconds left to go, whoa Got Paypal or Visa, what erev'll please As long as I've got the dough
I'll buy ... your tchotchkes Sell me ... your watch, please I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy ...) I'm highest bidder now
(Junk keeps arriving in the mail) (From that worldwide garage sale) (Dukes Of Hazard ashtray) (Hey! A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray) Oh yeah ... (I bought it on eBay)
Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox) Wanna buy (a case on vintage tube socks) Wanna buy (a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre, Dr. Dre) (Found it on eBay)
Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcet poster) (Pez dispensers and a toaster) (Don't know why ... the kind of stuff you'd throw away) (I'll buy on eBay)
I, man, am regal - a German am I Never odd or even If I had a hi-fi Madam, I'm Adam Too hot or to hoot No lemons, no melon Too bad I hid a boot Lisa Bonet ate no basil Warsaw was raw Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Rise to vote, sir Do geese see god? "Do nine men interprite?" "Nine men," I nod Rats live on no evil star Won't lovers revolt now? Race fast, safe car Pa's a sap Ma is as selfish as I am May a moody baby doom a yam?
Ah, Satan sees Natasha No evil lived on Lonely Tylenol Not a banana baton No "x" in "Nixon" O, stone, be not so O Geronimo, no minor ego "Naomi," I moan "A Toyota's a Toyota" A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Oh no! Don Ho! Nurse, I spy gypsies - run! Senile felines Now I see bees I won UFO tofu We panic in a pew Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog! Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
Peter Parker was pitiful Couldn't have been any shyer Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him Even if his hair was on fire
But then one day he went to that science lab That mutated spider came down Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls And he's swingin' all over town
La li la, li de da La la, li le la da dum
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man Sling us a web tonight 'Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now And there's evil doers to fight
Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his Who horns in on Mary Jane But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys Who can kiss upside down in the rain
I was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special report About dsome devistating earthquake in Peru There were thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive On the Richter scale it measured 8.2
And I said, "God, please answer me one question?" "Why'd they have to interrupt 'The Simpsons' just for this?" What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything And now I'll have to wait for the rerun to see the part of the show I missed
Why does this always happen? Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen? (Why) Why does this always happen to me?
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
I was driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl There was a twelve-car pile-up, everybody dead And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head
And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a jerk Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again Plus now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to work
Why does this always happen? Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen? (Why) Why does this always happen to me?
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba
Oh, the other day, my boss said we were running low on toner And he told me I should buy another case Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face (right in the face)
Oh, and wouldn't you know it, my knife got stuck I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again (quite as sharp again) Oh, tell me
Why does this always happen? Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen? Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen to me? (Why does this always happen to me?) Why does this always happen to me? (Why does this always happen to me?)
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Uh huh... extra cheese Uh huh, uh huh... save a piece for me Pizza party at your house I went just to check it out 19 extra larges - what a shame No one came Just us, eatin' all alone You said, "Take the pizza home" "No sense lettin' all this go to waste" So then I faced Pizza all day And every day This cheese 'round the clock Is gettin' me blocked And I sure don't care For irregularity Tell me Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? 'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated In the bathroom... I sit and I wait and I strain And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain Oh, should I take the laxatives or have my colon irrigated? No no no I was feelin' pretty down Till my girlfriend came around We're just so alike in every way I gotta say In fact, I just thought I might Pop the question there that night I was kissing her so tenderly But woe is me Who would have guessed Her family crest I'd suddenly spy Tattooed on her thigh And son-of-a-gun It's just like the one on me Tell me How was I supposed to know we were both related? Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated? No no no I had so much on my mind I thought maybe I'd unwind Try out that new roller coaster ride And the guide Said not to stand But that's a demand That I couldn't meet I got on my feet And stood up instead And knocked off my head, you see Tell me Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated? This really is a major inconvenience , oh man, I really hate it Such a drag now... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore I can't belch or yodel anymore Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated Oh no Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (Yeah yeah) I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated What a bummer Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeze But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated No no no
I don't have a library card But do you mind if I check you out? I like your skeletal structure, baby You're an ectomorph, no doubt
Your face is real symmetrical And your nostils are so nice I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl So I could see you twice
Girl, you smell like Fritos That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare You're so hot, you're gonna melt The elastic in my underwear
I'll bet you're magically delicious Like a bowl of Lucky Charms You'd look like Venus de Milo If I just cut off your arms What I'm tryin' to say is ...
I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now, I need somebody to love
Do you believe in love at first sight Or should I walk by again? My love for you'd like diarrhea I just can't hold it in
Stop, drop and roll now 'Cause baby, you're on fire I'll bet your outfit Makes a lot of noise in the drier
You're absolutely perfect Don't speak now, you might spoil it Your eyes are even bluer Than the water in my toilet
Say, has anyone ever told you You've got Yugoslavian hands? No, of course not, that would be stupid Just forget I ever brought it up The point I'm trying to make is ...
I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now, I need somebody to love
I wanna be your Krakatoa Let my lava flow all over you I wanna be your anaconda And your heat-seeking missile too
I wanna be your beef burrito Am I making this perfectly clear? I wanna be your love torpedo Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here? Uh huh
I hope I'm not being forward But do you mind if I chew on your butt? You can tell me truthfully Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?
There just aren't enough o's in "smooth" To desribe how smooth I am Maybe you've seen my picture It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"
My lips are registered weapons Can I invade your personal space? You must have fallen from heaven That would explain how you messed up your face
Well, how'd you get through security? 'Cause, baby, you're the bomb I'd like to take you home right now So you can meet my mom Because I ...
I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now, I need somebody to love
Girl, you must be Jamaican Because Jamaican me crazy Girl, you must be Jamaican (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Because Jamaican me crazy (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort Suffocation, no breathing Don't give a if I cut my arm bleeding This is my last resort
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's all right, nothing is fine I'm running and a-crying
Wake up (Wake up) Grab a brush and put a little make-up Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup (Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup) Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? Here you go create another fable
You wanted to Grab a brush and put a little makeup You wanted to Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? You wanted to
I don't think you trust In my self-righteous suicide I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die D-d-die die die die die Hey
I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free Ride into the sun
She never loved me She never loved me She never loved me Why should anyone?
(Come here, come here, come here) I'll take your photo for ya (Come here, come here, come here) Drive you around the corner
(Come here, come here, come here) You know you really oughta (Come here, come here, come here) Move out to California
Do what I want 'cause I can If I don't because I wanna Be ignored by the stiff and the bored Because I'm gonna
Hate to say I told you so, all right Do believe I told you so Now it's all out and you knew 'Cause I wanted to
Fell in love with a girl I fell in love at once and almost completely She's in love with the world But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
Can't think of anything to do Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting She's just looking for something new Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now
Last night, she said "Oh baby, don't you feel so down When you turn me off When I feel left out"
So I (what'd you do?) Well, I turned around (right around) "Oh, baby, gonna be alright" It was a great big lie (big old lie)
'Cause I left that night Yeah
Ooh ah ah ah ah Ooh ah ah ah ah
Get up Come on get down with the sickness Get up Come on get down with the sickness
Get up Come on get down with the sickness Open up your hate and let it flow into me
Get up Come on get down with the sickness You mother get up Come on get down with the sickness
Get up Come on get down with the sickness Madness is the gift that has been given to me
We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk
This time I'm 'a let it all come out This time I'm 'a stand up and shout I'm a do things my way It's my way My way or the highway
This time I'm a let it all come out This time I'm a stand up and shout I'm a do things my way It's my way [honk] [honk] Or the highway
But I'm on the outside I'm looking in I can see through you See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly Ugly like me I can see through you See to the real you
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
We are, we are The youth of the nation We are, we are The youth of the nation
We are, we are The youth of the nation We are the youth of the nation Hey
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up Please stand up
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please Please, please stand up
Slim Shady won't you please stand up? (Stand up Shady)(Stand up) (Stand up Shady)(Stand up) (Stand up Shady) Shady, won't you please stand up? Hey
Finger food and an ice cold keg It won't cost you an arm and a leg Dance all night to a rotten band Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand
Saturday night, it's the place to be Everybody cut footloose with me At the party at the leper colony Oh, there's a party at the leper colony Hey
Met a little lady so pretty and young She was quite a little talker 'till the cat got her tongue She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed
I said, "Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me" But she cried her eyes out - literally At the party at the leper colony Oh, there's a party at the leper colony Hey, hey
Hey now, buddy, don't you give me no lip Sorry I was using your head for dip There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who Wait a minute, it looks like Stu
Well, hold the phone now, what do I see? Another pretty mama got her eye on me At the party at the leper colony Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
There's a party at the leper colony (Party at the leper colony) There's a party at the leper colony (Party at the leper colony)
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony Yeah, party at the leper colony Well, there's a party at the leper colony (Party at the leper colony) Hey
Rotten So rotten here So rotten Oh It was like, the last day before trash day My place was gettin' kinda nas-tay Even though the garbage I knew would reek (You know) Thought that I could leave it for one more week Then, um, I'm takin' Birthday cake 'n' (Oh) Chili and greasy old bacon Throw it all on top of the mess I been makin' Wife's so mad, she starts to shakin' Leaky bag, 'n' now that girl is gaggin' She's naggin' "I need you to get that stuff off the kitchen floor" "Is that too much to ask you for?" But I see no reason why Can't let a few more weeks go by And now garbage is piled up high And buddy, you should see the flies I said... There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Boy there's a lot in here (a lot) And every day it grows (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Make ya wanna throw up Look at all this garbage that I keep generatin' (Come on) I sit around all day and watch it biodegradin' Bet there's a hundred health codes that I'm violatin' Even my dog passed out and needed resuscitatin' You won't believe it, take a whiff of that aroma Sure to put you in a coma It's so messy, can't find my toenail clippers It's so bad, the roaches wearin' slippers Warm, sweaty clothes piled up in this joint Stand up by themselves at this point It's so filthy, now baby, I can't lie I wipe my feet before I go outside I wonder what crawled in here and died (You know) Walkin' 'round barefoot, I'd be terrified But it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends Like "Hey, I think them rats gettin' big!" Oh There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Look what we got in here (now what?) Let's watch it decompose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Make ya wanna throw up With a little bit of a... and a little bit of a... Make me wanna throw up It makes ya wanna... just makes ya wanna... Oh Some Lysol, some Comet I got a mop and it's got your name on it (What?) I'm just kiddin', doggone it (Oh) Unless you gonna do it Careful not to breathe the fumes Check it, garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom Turn into toxic waste sometime this afternoon Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom Oh There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) It's gone to pot in here (to pot) Bring out the firehose (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Make ya wanna throw up With a little bit a... and a little bit a... Make me wanna throw up Give a little bit a... and a tiny bit a... Make ya wanna throw up Mix a little bit a... with a molecule a... Make me wanna throw up It makes me wanna... just makes me wanna... Oh
Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until a friend told me the news
He said, "Hey, you know that vacant lot Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it And on that spot they're gonna build a shop Where we can go buy bolts and screws"
Since then I've been walking on air (air) I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair 'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care I've been waiting since last June
For this day to finally arrive I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive 'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside Well, I hope they open soon
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open the door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out I pressed my nose right up against the glass You know, I had to be first in line
Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house See those hacksaws? Very, very soon One of them will be all mine
Guys with nametags walking down the aisles Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles All arranged alphabetically
And they're doing a promotional stunt There's a great big purple sign out front That says every 27th customer Will get a ball peen hammer free
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open the door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
Would you look at all that stuff ... They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables Hooks and tacks, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers Soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open the door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye, "Merry Christmas to all... now you're all gonna die!" The night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' the wrong deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Well, the workshop is gone now he decided to bomb it Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger And he picked up a flamethrowe r and he barbequed Blitzen And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!" The night Santa went crazy The night Kris Kringle went nuts Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole Without steppin' in reindeer guts There's the National Guard and the FBI There's a van from the Eyewitness News And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why? My my my my my my You used to be such a jolly guy Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time In a federal prison for his infamous crime Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years But now Vixen's in therapy, and Donner's still nervous And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights They're talkin' ' bout - the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nicholas flipped Broke his back for some milk and cookies Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped Wo, the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' the wrong deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain
Mom and dad are goin' out for the evening And you're stuck inside the house all alone That's when you decide it might be fun to harrassomeone Dial a random number up on your telephone You ask if their refrigerator is running Then you tell 'em they should go out and catch it Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin' 'em from They'd come and bust your head right in with a ratchet Listen to me Don't go makin' phony calls Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to I know that you think it's funny drivin' folks right up the wall But it's really gettin' old fast
Little Melvin has a natural obsession Askin' for Prince Albert in a can He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan He's callin' strangers up at three in the morning Gives 'em pizza pie delivery at four He won't be laughin' when they're tracin' his line One day the phone police will be there at his door Yo, hear me Don't go makin' phony calls Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to Swear someday I'm gonna yank that phone cord right out from the wall How long is this phase gonna last? Come on Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink. Uh, yeah, hello, is Mike there? Last name Rotch. Hold on, I'll check Mike Rotch? Mike Rotch? Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? Listen to me, you little puke! One of these days I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick! Ha ha ha ha ha. Don't go makin' phony calls Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to You went through the New York City phone book and prank-called 'em all Hope that you grow out of this fast Don't go makin' phony calls Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
Say do you remember that guy Larry next door Well he always was the neighborhood clown Like the time he pulled my pants off and he took those color pictures And posted copies all over town Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight till dawn What a crazy kid Larry was always foolin' around Boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try Say do you remember when I lost all my hair 'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo And hey how bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap And filled my toothpaste tube up with glue All those wedgies he gave all those shoestrings he tied All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside Oh Lar, I swear it was a laugh a minute with you Boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try
You know I couldn't help but laugh Even though he treated me like slime Remember when he cut my car in half Well, he really got me good that time! Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest And stuffed him in a big plastic bag If the cops ever find him who knows what they'd say But I'm sure if ol' Lar were still with us today He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag Oh boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try Oh boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try No matter how I try
Oh, I remember Larry Oh, I remember Larry Oh, I remember Larry
My whole family Loves Three's Company See the reruns constantly There on my TV Syndicated Incorporated Well, I know what's on the tube I know just what to see Got my TV Guide with me MASH and All In The Family The Munsters and Mayberry R.F.D. I will always be busy Watching my TV Oprah Winfrey talks to me Every day at three Then soon it'll be Wheel and Jeopardy Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated Well, I'm in such ecstasy When I'm watchin' TV I'm a boob tube devotee Think I'm losin' my sanity I'm addicted to Regis & amp Kathie Lee Forever I will always be Glued to my TV
Love The Partridge Family And Dynasty And Laverne & Shirley And Hard Copy Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated
You tell a joke and forget the punchline Why you always wastin' my time Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me Your hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty I don't know too many females Who make a habit of biting their toenails Wo, every time you call you drive me up the wall Honey just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl I'm sure we'd be happy together If only one little thing weren't true Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you What are you, in kindergarten You're belchin' everywhere, foulin'up the air Then you use my razor to shave your back hair You don't have an ounce of class You're just one big pain in the neck How much more can I take now give me a break now You even snore when you're wide awake now You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple Well, maybe you should get a clue 'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Baby, you're so nauseatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you And when you softly call my name It's like I'm listenin' to a squeaky chalk sound And when you look at me that special way It's hard for me to keep my lunch down And when you ask me what I'm thinkin honey, usually I'm thinking how I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape so I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions over and over again Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh gives me a throbbing migraine (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) Until you came along I never dated anyone this low on the food chain (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) You've got inhuman body odor You've got the hair of a boxing promoter Yeah, your teeth are all yellow your butt's made of Jell-O You wake up in a puddle droolin' on your pillow I hate the way you crack your knuckles I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too But mostly I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Really now, you're aggravatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Not to mention irritatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Well now won't you give my best regards to Satan I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you You make me sick
Gump sat alone on a bench in the park My name is Forrest, he'd casually remark Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates He's Gump, He's Gump What's in his head? He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump Is he in-bred? Gump was a big celebrity He told JFK that he really had to pee He never feels too dumb because His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does He's Gump, He's Gump He's kinda square He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump What's with that hair? Run... run... run, run, now Forrest Run... run... run, like the wind now Run... run... run, run, now Forrest Run... stop! His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt He's Gump, He's Gump He's not too bright He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump But he's all right Is this Gump out of his head? I think so Is this Gump really brain-dead? I think so Did this Gump make lots of bread? I think so And that's all I have to say about that
Since you've been gone Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil Since you've been gone It's like I've got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil Oh well, I'm feelin' like I stuck my hand Inside a blender and turned it on You know, I've been in a buttload of pain Since you've been gone (Since you've been gone) I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped A two-ton bowling ball on my toes (Since you've been gone) It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved A red-hot cactus up my nose Since you've been gone Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day Since you've been gone It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away Ever since the day you left me I've been so miserable, my dear I feel almost as bad as I did When you were still here
[...] In the Byelorussian city of Gomel, most of the 35,000 workers of the GomselMash industrial complex walked out on a daylong strike, said Alexander Korniev, a plant worker. Mark,share That appeared to chill hopes for any further easing soon in the Federal Reserve's credit policy, and to raise new questions about the outlook for interest rates. Mark,share [...]...
