The Mountain Goats

On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time
I felt free and I felt lonely and I felt scared
And I began to talk to myself almost immediately
Not being used to being the only person there

The first time I made coffee for just myself I made too much of it
But I drank it all just 'cause you hate it when I let things go to waste
And I wandered through the house like a little boy, lost at the mall
And an astronaut could've seen the hunger in my eyes from space

And I sang oh, what do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do without you?

On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time
I was cold so I put on a sweater and I turned up the heat
And the walls began to close in and I felt so sad and frightened
I practically ran from the living room out into the street

And the wind began to blow and all the trees began to pant
And the world, in its cold way, started coming alive
And I stood there like a business man waiting for the train
And I got ready for the future to arrive

And I sang oh, what do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do without you?

I leave as soon as it gets light outside
Like a prisoner breaking out of jail
And I steal down to business 15-501
Like I had a bounty hunter on my tail

And somebody stops to pick me up
But he drops me off just down the block
And along the highway where the empty spirits breathe
Wild sage growing in the weeds

Walked down the soft shoulder and I count my steps
Headed vaguely eastward, sun in my eyes
And I lose my footing and I skin my hands breaking my fall
And I laugh to myself and look up at the skies

And then I think I hear angels in my ears
Like marbles being thrown against a mirror
And along the highway where unlucky stray dogs bleed
Wild sage growing in the weeds

And some days I don't miss my family
And some days I do
Some days I think I'd feel better if I tried harder
Most days I know it's not true

I lay down right where I felt cold grass in my face
And I hear the traffic like the rhythm of the tides
And I stare at the scrape on the heel of my hand
'Till it doesn't sting so much and until the blood's dried

And when somebody asks if I'm okay
I don't know what to say
And along the highway, from cast-off innumerable seeds
Wild sage growing in the weeds

No one washed
Behind my ears
High in the trees
Alone for years

Practicing my solitary scales
'Till they rose like balloons
Watching them go
Where they will go

Face in the leaves
Song in my throat
Fall through the air
Hoping to float

Practicing my solitary scales 'till they grow heavy
Too heavy to carry
Watching them go
Where they will go

Shadows on the broad lawn, canopy of trees
Sometime after midnight the ground is gonna freeze
Birds in the frosty air
What are they doing there?

Greenhouse full of butchers' brooms
Breezes at my back
Sometime before the sun comes up
The earth is gonna crack

I look down at my hands
Like they were mirrors

Fresh coffee at sunrise
Warm my lips against the cup
Been waiting such a long time now
My number's finally coming up

All the neighbors come on out to their front porches
Waving torches

I went down to the gas station
For no particular reason
Heard the screams from the high school
It's football season

Empty lot the station faces
Will probably be there forever
I climbed over the four-foot fence
I was trying to sever the tether

Moon in the sky
Cold as a stone
Spend each night in your arms
Always wake up alone

I laid down in the weeds
It was a real cold night
I was happy 'till the overnight attendant
Switched on the floodlight

Walking home, I was talking to you under my breath
Saying things I would never say directly
I heard a siren on the highway up ahead
Kinda wished they'd come and get me

Frost on the sidewalk
White as a bone
Tried to get close to you again
Always wake up alone

And as I was crossing our doorstep
I hesitated just a moment there
Remembered the day we moved into our small house
'Till the vision got too vivid to bear

You were almost asleep
Halfway undressed
I lay right down next to you
Held your head against my chest

And a guy with any kind of courage
Would maybe stop to think the matter through
Maybe hold you still and raise the question
Instead of blindly holding onto you

But we crank up the heat
And you giggle and moan
Spend all night in the company of ghosts
Aways wake up alone

A bad dream shook me in my sleep
And I woke up sweating
Ran through the dark to the shower
Already forgetting

Try to think good thoughts
Trying to find my way clear
Let the room fill with steam
Trace pictures on the mirror

Ghosts and clouds
And nameless things
Squint your eyes and hope real hard
Maybe sprout wings

I clawed my way to the living room window
Stood there in the cold
The last bits of my dream like figures in the distance
Hard to hold

I thought of old friends, the one's who'd gone missing
Said all their names three times
Phantoms in the early dark
Canaries in the mines

Ghosts and clouds
And nameless things
Squint your eyes and hope real hard
Maybe sprout wings

Autumn came around like a drifter to an on-ramp
There were wet leaves floating in gutters full of rain
Took to walking barefoot around town
Melodies from grade school kicking in my brain

Saw you on the crosstown bus today, you were reading a magazine
I turned my face away and I shut my eyes tight
Dreamed about the flowers that hide from the light
On dark hillsides in the hidden places

The brakes howled and the bus pulled up near my house
And I got off at the corner
Pulled my sleeves down over my hands, over my hands
And I wished I was someone else and I wished it was warmer

And when I got home I thought about you
Like a desperate policeman searching for clues
And I almost passed out just then and I shut my eyes again
Headed for the dark hillsides, in the hidden places

The day I turned my back on all you people
I felt an itching in my thumbs
Salt air like a broadcast from the distant dark beyond
When my transformation comes

I went down to the warm, warm water
Saw a pelican fly past
Waved once at the highway and then left all that behind me
I went wading through the grass

And no one was gonna come and get me
There wasn't anybody gonna know
Even though I leave a trail of burned things in my wake
Every single place I go

And it was cool and it was quiet
In the humid marsh down there
I let my head sink down beneath the brackish water
Felt it gumming up my hair

The sun was sinking into the Atlantic
The last time that I turned my back on you
I tried to summon up a little prayer as I went under
It was the best that I could do

And I said let them all fare better than your serpent
The reeds all pricking at my skin
Here's hoping they have better luck than I had down here with you
All that water rushing in

When the villagers come to my door, I will hide underneath the table in the dining room
Knees drawn to my chest
When the villagers come to my door, I will breathe shallow breaths from high up in my stomach
I'll ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

Waiting for the front door to splinter
Waiting all winter

When the villagers come to my door
I'll be all tucked away with my face to the floor and my eyes closed
And no one knows how to keep secrets 'round here, they tell everyone everything soon as they know
And then where is there left for poor sinners to go?

Waiting for the front door to splinter
Waiting all winter

It was raining outside, so I cleaned house today
Spent half of the morning throwing old things away
Try not to get caught up, try to think like a machine
Focus in on the task, try not to think about what it means

Can't get you
Out of my head
Lost without you
Half dead

Took my spot at the window, looked at the road
Dots and dashes of traffic like a message in code
And whole boxes of memories wrapped up at the curb
I sang songs to myself, didn't have any words

Can't get you
Out of my head
Lost without you
Half dead

Stole out to the backyard late last night
Pine trees frozen in the silvery moonlight
Rising like giants from the cold earth
What are the years we gave each other ever gonna be worth?

Can't get you
Out of my head
Lost without you
Half dead

I will rise up early
And dress myself up nice
And I will leave the house
And check the deadlock twice

And I will find a crowd
And blend in for a minute
And I will try to find
A little comfort in it

And I will get lonely
And gasp for air
And send your name off from my lips
Like a signal flare

And I will go downtown
Stand in the shadows of the buildings
And button up my coat
Trying to stay strong, spirit willing

And I will come back home
Maybe call some friends
Maybe paint some pictures
It all depends

And I will get lonely
And gasp for air
And look up at the high windows
And see your face up there