Stephen Sondheim

MRS. LOVETT:
Seems a downright shame...
TODD: Shame?
LOVETT:
Seems an awful waste...
Such a nice, plump frame
Wot's 'is name has...
Had...
Has!
Nor it can't be traced...
Bus'ness needs a lift,
Debts to be erased...
Think of it as thrift,
As a gift,
If you get my drift!

No?

Seems an awful waste...
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is,
When you get it,
If you get it...

TODD: HAH!
LOVETT:
Good, you got it!

Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!
Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast!
And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!

[Simultaneously]

TODD:
Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion
LOVETT:
Well, it does seem a waste...

TODD:
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always!
LOVETT:
It's an idea...

TODD:
Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived
Without you all these years, I'll never know!
How delectable!
Also undetectable!
LOVETT:
Think about it!
Lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be comin' for a shave,
Won't they?
Think of
All them
Pies!

TODD:
How choice!

How
Rare!

TODD:
For what's the sound of the world out there?
LOVETT:
What, Mr. Todd?
What, Mr. Todd?
What is that sound?
TODD:
Those crunching noises pervading the air!
LOVETT:
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, all around!
TODD:
It's man devouring man, my dear!
BOTH:
And [LOVETT: Then] who are we to deny it in here?

TODD: (spoken) These are desperate times,
Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!
LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!
TODD: What is that?

LOVETT:
It's priest. Have a little priest.
TODD:
Is it really good?
LOVETT:
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,
So it's pretty fresh.
TODD:
Awful lot of fat.
LOVETT:
Only where it sat.
TODD:
Haven't you got poet, or something like that?
LOVETT:
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!

TODD: (spoken) Heavenly!
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,
but then again, not as bland as curate, either!

LOVETT:
And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!

Lawyer's rather nice.
TODD:
If it's for a price.
LOVETT:
Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow it twice!
TODD:
Anything that's lean.
LOVETT:
Well, then, if you're British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine!
Anyway, it's clean.
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!
TODD:
Is that squire,
On the fire?
LOVETT:
Mercy no, sir, look closer,
You'll notice it's grocer!
TODD:
Looks thicker,
More like vicar!
LOVETT:
No, it has to be grocer --
It's green!

TODD:
The history of the world, my love --
LOVETT:
Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors!
TODD:
Is those below serving those up above!
LOVETT:
Ev'rybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors!
TODD:
How gratifying for once to know
BOTH:
That those above will serve those down below!

LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker.
TODD: Something... pinker.
LOVETT: Tailor?
TODD: Paler.
LOVETT: Butler?
TODD: Subtler.
LOVETT: Potter?
TODD: Hotter.
LOVETT: Locksmith?

Lovely bit of clerk.
TODD:
Maybe for a lark.
LOVETT:
Then again there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark!
Try the financier,
Peak of his career!
TODD:
That looks pretty rank.
LOVETT:
Well, he drank,
It's a bank
Cashier.
Never really sold.
Maybe it was old.
TODD:
Have you any Beadle?
LOVETT:
Next week, so I'm told!
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it's been greased...
Stick to priest!

(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,
but then of course it's... fiddle player!
TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player!
LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell?
TODD: It's piping hot!
LOVETT: Then blow on it first!

TODD:
The history of the world, my sweet --
LOVETT:
Oh, Mr. Todd,
Ooh, Mr. Todd,
What does it tell?
TODD:
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!
LOVETT:
And, Mr. Todd,
Too, Mr. Todd,
Who gets to sell!
TODD:
But fortunately, it's also clear
BOTH:
That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer!

LOVETT: (spoken)
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral?
TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.
LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is extra.

TODD: What is that?
LOVETT:
It's fop.
Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I've just begun --
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily,
Have one!
TODD:
Put it on a bun.
Well, you never know if it's going to run!
LOVETT:
Try the friar,
Fried, it's drier!
TODD:
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!
LOVETT:
Then actor,
That's compacter!
TODD:
Yes, and always arrives overdone!
I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!

LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,
but we've got something you might fancy even better.
TODD: What's that?
LOVETT: Executioner!

TODD:
Have charity towards the world, my pet!
LOVETT:
Yes, yes, I know, my love!
TODD:
We'll take the customers that we can get!
LOVETT:
High-born and low, my love!
TODD:
We'll not discriminate great from small!
No, we'll serve anyone,
Meaning anyone,
BOTH:
And to anyone
At all!

[Thanks to Jill Murdoch & Mrs. Lovett for corrections]

ANTHONY (Gazing at her, sings softly):
I have sailed the world,
Beheld its wonders,
From the pearls of Spain
To the rubies of Tibet,
But not even in London
Have I seen such a wonder . . .
(Breathlessly)
Lady look at me look at me miss oh
Look at me please oh
Favor me favor me with your glance.
Ah, miss,
What do you what do you see off
There in those trees oh
Won't you give won't you give me a chance?
Who would sail to Spain
For all its wonders,
When in Kearney's Lane
Lies the greatest wonder yet?
Ah, miss,
Look at you look at you pale and
Ivory-skinned oh
Look at you looking so sad so queer.
Promise
Not to retreat to the darkness
Back of your window
Not till you not till you look down here.
Look at

ANTHONY. JOHANNA:
Me! Green finch and linnet bird,
Look at Nightingale, blackbird,
Me! Teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly,
Look at me .. . Let me sing ...

BEGGAR WOMAN:
Alms, Alms for a miserable woman.
Beg your pardon, it's you sir, thank you, thank you kindly.

ANTHONY (spoken):
One moment mother, perhaps you know who's house this is.

BEGGAR WOMAN:
(nervously) That, Oh, That's the gret Judge Turpins house that is.

ANTHONY:
And the young lady who resides there?

BEGGAR WOMAN:
(increasingly nervous) Oh her? Well that's J-Johanna, His pretty little ward.
Oh but don't you go tresspassing there young man. Not if you value your hide.
Tamper there and it's a good wippin' for ya,
or any other yout' wif mischeif on 'is mind. (laughs)

(Sing-song) Hey, Oink sailor boy, want it's lovely harbored,
open me gate but don't get straight I see it lists to starboard
(laughs widly)

ANTHONY: Off with you, OFF!

MARTA: Another hundred people just got off of the train,
And came up through the ground,
While another hundred people just got off of the bus,
And are looking around
At another hundred people who got off of the plane,
And are looking at us,
Who got off of the train,
And the plane, and the bus,
Maybe yesterday.

It's a city of strangers
Some come to work, some to play
A city of strangers
Some come to stare, some to stay
And every day
The ones who stay

Can find each other in the crowded streets and the guarded parks
By the rusty fountains and the dusty trees with the battered barks
And they walk together past the postered walls with the crude remarks

And they meet at parties through the friends-of-friends, who they never know
"Will you pick me up, or do I meet you there, or shall we let it go?
Did you get my message? 'Cause I looked in vain
Can we see each other Tuesday if it doesn't rain?
Look, I'll call you in the morning, or my service'll explain."
And another hundred people just got off of the train.

It's a city of strangers
Some come to work, some to play
A city of strangers
Some come to stare, some to stay
And every day
Some go away...

Or they find each other in the crowded streets and the guarded parks
By the rusty fountains and the dusty trees with the battered barks
And they walk together past the postered walls with the crude remarks

And they meet at parties through the friends-of-friends, who they never know
"Will you pick me up, or do I meet you there, or shall we let it go?
Did you get my message? 'Cause I looked in vain
Can we see each other Tuesday if it doesn't rain?
Look, I'll call you in the morning, or my service'll explain."

And another hundred people just got off of the train.
And another hundred people just got off of the train.
And another hundred people just got off of the train.
And another hundred people just got off of the train.
Another hundred people just got off of the train.

Bobby: Where ya going?
April: Barcelona.
Bobby: Oh.
April: Don't get up.
Bobby: Do you have to?
April: Yes, I have to.
Bobby: Oh.
April: Don't get up.

April: Now you're angry.
Bobby: No, I'm not.
April: Yes, you are.
Bobby: No, I'm not.
Put your things down.
April: See, you're angry.
Bobby: No, I'm not.
April: Yes, you are.
Bobby: No, I'm not.
Put your wings down and stay.
April: I'm leaving.
Bobby: Why?
April: To go to-
Bobby: Stay.
April: I have to-
Both: -Fly
Bobby: -I know-
Both: -To Barcelona.

Bobby: Look, you're a very special girl,
Not just overnight.
No, you're a very special girl,
And not because you're bright...
Not just because you're bright.
You're just a very special girl...June!
April: April!
Bobby: April!
April: Thank you.

Bobby: Whatcha thinking?
April: Barcelona.
Bobby: Oh.
April: Flight Eighteen.
Bobby: Stay a minute.
April: I would like to.
Bobby: So?
April: Don't be mean.

Bobby: Stay a minute.
April: No, I can't.
Bobby: Yes, you can.
April: No, I can't.
Bobby: Where you going?
April: Barcelona!
Bobby: So you said.
April: And Madrid.
Bobby: Bon voyage.
April: On a Boeing.

Bobby: Goodnight.
April: You're angry.
Bobby: No.
April: I've got to.
Bobby: Right.
April: Report to-
Bobby: Go.
April: That's not to say...
That if I had my way...
Oh well, I guess, OK.
Bobby: What?
April: I'll stay.
Bobby: But...oh God!

Someone to hold you too close.
Someone to hurt you too deep.
Someone to sit in you chair,
To ruin your sleep,

[dialogue]

Someone to need you too much.
Someone to know you too well.
Someone to pull you up short,
And put you through hell,

[dialogue]

Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.

[dialogue]

Someone to crowd you with love.
Someone to force you to care.
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
Of being alive,
Being alive.
Being alive.
Being alive!

[dialogue]

Somebody hold me too close.
Somebody hurt me too deep.
Somebody sit in my chair,
And ruin my sleep,
And make me aware,
Of being alive.
Being alive.

Somebody need me too much.
Somebody know me too well.
Somebody pull me up short,
And put me through hell,
And give me support,
For being alive.
Make me alive.
Make me alive.

Make me confused.
Mock me with praise.
Let me be used.
Vary my days.

But alone,
Is alone,
Not alive.

Somebody crowd me with love.
Somebody force me to care.
Somebody let me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive,
Being alive.
Being alive.
Being alive!

Someone to hold you too close.
Someone to hurt you too deep.
Someone to sit in you chair,
To ruin your sleep,

[dialogue]

Someone to need you too much.
Someone to know you too well.
Someone to pull you up short,
And put you through hell,

[dialogue]

Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.

[dialogue]

Someone to crowd you with love.
Someone to force you to care.
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
Of being alive,
Being alive.
Being alive.
Being alive!

[dialogue]

Somebody hold me too close.
Somebody hurt me too deep.
Somebody sit in my chair,
And ruin my sleep,
And make me aware,
Of being alive.
Being alive.

Somebody need me too much.
Somebody know me too well.
Somebody pull me up short,
And put me through hell,
And give me support,
For being alive.
Make me alive.
Make me alive.

Make me confused.
Mock me with praise.
Let me be used.
Vary my days.

But alone,
Is alone,
Not alive.

Somebody crowd me with love.
Somebody force me to care.
Somebody let me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive,
Being alive.
Being alive.
Being alive!

MRS. LOVETT:

(she kisses Todd)
Ooh, Mr. Todd! (kiss)
I'm so happy! (kiss)
I could (kiss)
Eat you up, I really could!
You know what I'd like to do, Mr. Todd? (kiss)
What I dream (kiss)
If the business stays as good?
Where I'd really like to go,
In a year or so?
Don't you want to know?

TODD: (spoken) Yes, yes, of course.

LOVETT: Do you really want to know?

TODD: (spoken) Yes, I do, I do.

LOVETT: (spoken) I've always had this dream...
Ever since I was a skinny little slip of a thing and my rich Aunt
Nettie used to take me down to the seaside August Bank Holiday...
The pier... Makin' little castles in the sand...
Ooh, I can still feel me toes wigglin' around in the briney!

By the sea, Mr. Todd, that's the life I covet,
By the sea, Mr. Todd, ooh, I know you'd love it!
You and me, Mr. T, we could be alone
In a house wot we'd almost own,
Down by the sea!
Wouldn't that be smashing?

TODD: Anything you say...

LOVETT:
With the sea at our gate, we'll have kippered herring
Wot have swum to us straight from the Straits of Bering!
Ev'ry night, in the kip, when we're through our kippers,
I'll be there slippin' off your slippers!
By the sea,
With the fishies splashing!
By the sea!
Wouldn't that be smashing?

TODD: Anything you say, anything you say...

LOVETT:
I can hear us wakin,'
The breakers breakin,'
The seagulls squawkin,'
'Hoo, hoo!'
I do me bakin,'
Then I go walkin'
With you-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!
I'll warm me bones on the esplanade,
Have tea and scones with me gay young blade,
Then I'll knit a sweater
While you write a letter
Unless we've got better to do-hoo!

TODD: Anything you say...

LOVETT:
Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel
When it's just you and me and the English Channel!
In our cozy retreat kept all neat and tidy,
We'll have chums over ev'ry Friday!
By the sea!
Don'tcha love the weather?
By the sea!
We'll grow old together!
By the seaside,
Hoo, hoo!
By the beautiful sea!

(spoken)
Oh, I can see us now, in our bathing dresses!
You in a nice, rich navy, and me... stripes, perhaps.

It'll be so quiet,
That who'll come by it,
Except a seagull
Hoo, hoo!
We shouldn't try it,
Though, 'til it's legal for two-hoo!
But a seaside wedding could be devised,
Me rumpled bedding legitimized!
Me eyelids'll flutter,
I'll turn into butter,
The moment I mutter I do-hoo!

By the sea, in our nest, we could share our kippers
With the odd payin' guest from the weekend trippers,
Have a nice sunny suite for the guest to rest in,
Now and then, you could do the guest in!
By the sea,
Married nice and proper!
By the sea,
Bring along your chopper!
To the seaside,
Hoo, hoo!
By the beautiful sea!

JENNY: Bobby...
PETER: Bobby...
AMY: Bobby baby...
PAUL: Bobby bubi...
JOANNE: Robby...
SUSAN: Robert darling...
DAVID: Bobby, we've been trying to call you.
JENNY: Bobby...
LARRY: Bobby...
AMY: Bobby baby...
PAUL: Bobby bubi...
SARAH: Angel, I've got something to tell you.
HARRY: Bob...
LARRY: Rob-o...
JOANNE: Bobby, love...
SUSAN: Bobby, honey...
AMY & PAUL: Bobby, we've been trying to reach you all day.
LARRY: Bobby...
HARRY: Bobby...
PETER: Bobby baby...
SARAH: Angel...
JOANNE: Darling...
DAVID & JENNY: The kids were asking, Bobby...
HARRY: Bobby...
SUSAN: Robert...
JOANNE: Robby...
PETER: Bob-o...
JOANNE & LARRY: Bobby, there was something we wanted to say.
SARAH & HARRY: Bobby...
PAUL: Bobby bubi...
AMY: Sweetheart...
SUSAN: Sugar...
DAVID & JENNY: Your line was busy.
PETER: What have you been up to, kiddo?
AMY & PAUL: Bobby, Bobby, how have you been?
HARRY: Fella...
SARAH: Sweetie,
HARRY & SARAH: How have you been?
PETER & SUSAN: Bobby, Bobby, how have you been?
DAVID, JENNY, JOANNE & LARRY: Stop by on your way home-
AMY & PAUL: Seems like weeks since we talked to you!
HARRY & SARAH: Bobby, we've been thinking of you!
PETER & SUSAN: Bobby, we've been thinking of you!
DAVID, JENNY, JOANNE & LARRY: Drop by anytime!
AMY & PAUL: Bobby, there's a concert on Tuesday.
DAVID & JENNY: Hank and Mary get into town tomorrow.
PETER & SUSAN: How about some Scrabble on Sunday?
HARRY & SARAH: Why don't we all go to the beach next weekend?
JOANNE & LARRY: Bob, we're having people in Saturday night.
JENNY: Bobby...
PETER: Bobby...
AMY: Bobby baby...
DAVID & JENNY: Whatcha doing Thursday?
HARRY: Bobby...
SARAH: Angel...
PAUL: Bobby bubi...
SARAH & HARRY: Time we got together, is Wednesday alright?
AMY: Bobby...
LARRY: Rob-o...
SUSAN: Bobby, honey...
AMY & PAUL: Eight o'clock on Monday.
JOANNE: Robby, darling...
PETER: Bobby fella...
JOANNE & PETER: Bobby baby...

ALL: Bobby, come on over for dinner!
We'll be so glad to see you!
Bobby, come on over for dinner!
Just be the three of us,
Only the three of us!
We looooove you!

ROBERT: Phone rings, door chimes, in comes company!
No strings, good times, room hums, company!
Late nights, quick bites, party games,
Deep talks, long walks, telephone calls,
Thoughts shared, souls bared, private names,
All those photos up on the walls
"With love,"
With love filling the days,
With love seventy ways,
"To Bobby with love,"
From all
Those
Good and crazy people, my friends
Those good and crazy people, my married friends
And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
That's what it's really about,
Really about!

APRIL: Bobby...
KATHY: Bobby...
MARTA: Bobby baby...
PAUL: Bobby bubi...
JOANNE: Robby...
SUSAN: Robert, darling...
SARAH: Angel, will you do me a favor?
LARRY: Bobby...
AMY: Bobby...
ROBERT: Name it, Sarah.
JENNY: Bobby baby...
PAUL: Bobby bubi...
PETER: Listen pal, I'd like your opinion.
HARRY: Bob...
LARRY: Rob-o...
ROBERT: Try me, Peter.
KATHY: Bobby love...
MARTA: Bobby honey...
LARRY & AMY: Bobby, there's a problem, I need your advice.
APRIL & PAUL: Bobby...
MARTA & HARRY: Bobby...
KATHY & PETER: Bobby baby...
SARAH: Angel...
JOANNE: Darling...
APRIL, KATHY & MARTA: Just half an hour...
ROBERT: Amy, can I call you back tomorrow?
DAVID & JENNY: Honey, if you'd visit the kids once or twice...
PETER & SARAH: Bobby...
JOANNE & HARRY: Bobby...
PAUL & MARTA: Bobby bubi...
AMY: Sweetheart...
SUSAN: Sugar...
APRIL, KATHY & MARTHA: What's happened to you?
ROBERT: Jenny, I could take them to the zoo on Friday.
WIVES: Bobby...Bobby...where have you been?
HUSBANDS: Fella...kiddo...where have you been?
APRIL, KATHY & MARTA: Bobby...Bobby...how have you been?
HARRY, PETER, SARAH & SUSAN: Stop by on your way home.
ROBERT: Susan, love, I'll make it after seven if I can.
WIVES: Bobby, dear, I don't mean to pry...
HUSBANDS: Bobby, we've been thinking of you!
APRIL, KATHY & MARTA: Bobby, we've been thinking of you!
AMY, DAVID, JENNY, JOANNE, LARRY, & PAUL: Drop by anytime!
ROBERT: Sorry, Paul, I made a date with Larry and Joanne.
WIVES: Bobby, dear, it's none of our business...
HUSBANDS: Lookit, pal, I have to work Thursday evening...
WIVES: Darling, you've been looking peculiar...
HUSBANDS: Bobby boy, you know how I hate the opera...
WIVES: Funny thing, your name came up only last night...
ROBERT: Harry...David...Kathy, I...
APRIL, KATHY & MARTA: I shouldn't say this, but...
ROBERT: April...Marta...Listen, people...
WIVES: Bobby, we've been worried, you sure you're all right?
HUSBANDS: Bobby...Bobby...Bobby baby...
APRIL, KATHY & MARTA: Did I do something wrong?
HUSBANDS: Bobby bubi, Bobby fella, Bobby, Bobby...
ALL EXCEPT ROBERT: Bobby, come on over for dinner!
We'll be so glad to see you!
Bobby, come on over for dinner!
Just be the three of us,
Only the three of us,
We loooooooooove you!

ALL: Phone rings, door chimes, in comes company!
No strings, good times, just chums, company!
Late nights, quick bites, party games,
Deep talks, long walks, telephone calls,
Thoughts shared, souls bared, private names,
All those photos up on the walls
"With love,"
With love filling the days,
With love seventy ways,
"To Bobby, with love"
From all
Those
Good and crazy people, my friends,
Those good and crazy people, my married friends!
And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
That's what it's really about, isn't it?
That's what it's really about, really about?

HUSBANDS: Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?

WIVES, APRIL, KATHY & MARTA: Love...

HUSBANDS: Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?

ROBERT: You I love, and you I love, and you and you and you I love,
And you I love, and you I love, and you and you and you I love!

ALL: Company!
Company!
Company! Lots of
Company! Life is
Company! Love is
Company! Company!

No I had him!
His throat was there beneath my hand.
I had swear I had him!
His throat was there and now he'll never come again.
Mrs. Lovett: Easy now, hush love hush
I keep telling you -
Todd: When? Why do I wait?
You told me to wait -
Now he'll never come again.
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it.
But not for long...

They all deserve to die.
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.
Because in all of the whole human race
Mrs Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two
There's the one they put in his proper place
And the one with his foot in the other one's face
Look at me, Mrs Lovett, look at you.

Now we all deserve to die
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.
Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief
For the rest of us death will be a relief
We all deserve to die.

And I'll never see Joanna
No I'll never hold my girl to me - finished!
(shouted) Alright! You sir, you sir, how about a shave?
Come and visit your good friend Sweeney.
You sir, you sir? Welcome to the grave.

I will have vengenance.
I will have salvation.
(shouted) Who sir, you sir?
No one in the chair, come on! Come on!
Sweeney's waiting. I want you bleeders.
You sir - anybody.
Gentlemen don't be shy!

Not one man, no, no ten men.
Not a hundred can assuage me -
I will have you!
And I will get him back even as he gloats
In the meantime I'll practice on dishonorable throats.
And my Lucy lies in ashes
And I'll never see my girl again.

But the work waits!
I'm alive at last!
And I'm full of joy!

JENNY: Bless this day,
Pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day.

PAUL: Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Amy,
My, happily, soon-to-be wife.

AMY: Pardon me, is everybody here?
Because if everybody's here,
I'd like to thank you all
For coming to the wedding.
I'd appreciate you going even more,
I mean, you must have lots of better things to do,
And not a word of it to Paul
Remember Paul? You know, the man I'm going to marry
But I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anyone
As wonderful as he is.
Thank you all for the gifts and the flowers,
Thank you all, now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

JENNY: Bless this day,
Tragedy of life
Husband bound to wife
The heart sinks down
And feels dead
This dreadful day.

AMY: Listen everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for
A wedding. What's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever,
Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of,
Which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize
He's saddled with a nut, and want to kill me, which he should.
Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married
Go have lunch, 'cause I'm not getting married
You've been grand, but I'm not getting married
Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

Go! Can't you go?
Why is nobody listening?
Goodbye! Go and cry
At another person's wake.
If you're quick, for a kick
You could pick up a christening
But please, on my knees,
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear
Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you?
It isn't only Paul who would be ruining his life
You know, we'll both of us be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it, and he said to see him Monday
But by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage.
I'm not well, so I'm not getting married
You've been swell, but I'm not getting married
Clear the hall, 'cause I'm not getting married
Thank you all, but I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today.

JENNY: Bless this bride,
Totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain.

PAUL: Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever

AMY: Go! Can't you go?
Look, you know I adore you all
But why watch me die
Like Eliza on the ice?
Look, perhaps I'll collapse
In the apse right before you all
So take back the cake
Burn the shoes, and boil the rice.

PAUL: Today is for Amy,
My, happily, soon-to-be wife
My adorable wife...

AMY: Look, I didn't want to have to tell you,
But I may be coming down with hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint
So if you want to watch me faint, I'll do it happily,
But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral?
So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates,
Thirty-seven butter knives,
Forty-seven paperweights,
Fifty-seven candle holders

PAUL: One more thing...

AMY: I'm not getting married.

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: Softly said...

AMY: But I'm not getting married.

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: With this ring...

AMY: See, I'm not getting married!

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: I thee wed.

AMY: Still, I'm not getting married!

CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: Let us pray that we are getting married

AMY: Let us pray that we're not getting married

ALL: Today!

TOBY:
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?
Are your nostrils a-quiver and tingling as well at the delicate, luscious, ambrosial smell?
Yes they are, I can tell
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that aroma enriching the breeze
Is like nothing compared to its succulent source as the gourmets among you will tell you of course
Ladies and gentlemen you can't imagine the rapture in store
Just inside of this door!
There you'll sample Mrs. Lovett's meat pies
savory and sweet pies as you'll see
You, who eat pies Mrs. Lovett's meat pies
conjure up the treat pies used to be

MRS. LOVETT:
Nice to see you dearie
how have you been keeping?
Cor, m'bones is weary!
Toby, one for the gentleman
hear the birdies cheeping
helps to keep it cheery
Toby, throw the old woman out!

ENSEMBLE:
God, that's good!

MRS. LOVETT:
What's your pleasure dearie?
No we don't cut slices
Cor, m'eyes is bleary
Toby, none for the gentleman!
I could up m'prices
I'm a little leery
Business couldn't be better though!

ENSEMBLE:
God, that's good!

MRS. LOVETT:
Knock on wood!

SWEENEY: Psst!
MRS. LOVETT: Excuse me
SWEENEY: Psst!
MRS. LOVETT: Dear, see to the customers
SWEENEY: Psst!
MRS. LOVETT: Yes? What love? Quick, though the trade is brisk
SWEENEY: But its six o clock
MRS. LOVETT: So its six o clock
SWEENEY: It was due to arrive at a quarter to five and its six o clock! I've been waiting all day
but it should have been here by now
MRS. LOVETT: and its probably already down the block it will be here, it will be here have a pitcher of beer and it
should've been here by now now

ENSEMBLE:
More hot pies!

MRS. LOVETT:
Will you wait there cooling
'Cause my customers truly are getting unruly
SWEENEY: You come back when it comes!

MRS. LOVETT:
and what's your pleasure dearie?
Oops I beg your pardon
Just m'hands is smeary
Toby, run for the gentleman
down to Lover Garden
always makes me teary
must be one of them foreigners

ENSEMBLE:
God, that's good! That is delicious!

MRS. LOVETT:
What's my secret?
Frankly dear, forgive my candor
Family secret, all to do with herbs
things like being careful with your coriander
that's what makes the gravy grander!

ENSEMBLE:
More hot pies! More hot, more pies!

SWEENEY: Psst!
MRS. LOVETT: Excuse me
SWEENEY: Psst!
MRS. LOVETT: Dear, see to the customers
SWEENEY: Psst!
MRS. LOVETT: What now, love? Quick, though the trade is brisk
SWEENEY: But its here
MRS. LOVETT: Its where?
SWEENEY: Coming up the stair
MRS. LOVETT: I'll get rid of the slaughters they're still pretty hott it will soon be there
SWEENEY: It's about to be open to don't you care?
MRS. LOVETT: No Ill be there, I will be there but then none will get sold if I let them get cold
SWEENEY: But we have to prepare!

MRS. LOVETT:
Oh and incidentally dearie
you know Mrs. Mooney
sales have been so dreary
Toby, poor thing is penniless
What about that loony,
Lookin sort of beery?
Oh well, got her comeuppance and that'll be thruppence

ENSEMBLE:
God, that's good! That is de-have-u-licious at the tasty smell such oh my god what's more that pie's good
ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh

SWEENEY: Is this a chair fit for a king?
How wondrous sweet and most particular chair
MRS.LOVETT: Its gorgeous, its gorgeous
SWEENEY: You tell me where is a seat can half compare with this particular thing
MRS. LOVETT: Its perfect, its gorgeous
SWEENEY: I have a few minor adjustments
MRS. LOVETT: You make your few minor adjustments
SWEENEY: to make
they'll take
MRS. LOVETT: You take, your time
SWEENEY: a moment
MRS. LOVETT: I'll go see to the customers
SWEENEY: I'll call you
I have another friend

TOBY:
Is that a pie fit for a king?
Oh wondrous sweet and most particular thing
MRS. LOVETT: Its gorgeous its gorgeous
TOBY: You see maam why there is no meat pie can compete with this delectable pie
MRS. LOVETT: Its perfect its gorgeous
TOBY: The crust all velvety and wavy
MRS. LOVETT: The crust all velvety and wavy
TOBY: that glaze, those crimps
MRS. LOVETT: That glaze, those crimps
TOBY: and then the thick succulent gravy
SWEENEY: Then down they go
The cellar waits below
TOBY: one whiff will make me glimpse
a wonder that we surrender
SWEENEY: On with, the show

SWEENEY: Psst!
MRS. LOVETT: Excuse me
SWEENEY: Psst!
MRS. LOVETT: Dear, see to the customers
SWEENEY: Psst!
MRS. LOVETT: All set, love?
SWEENEY: Hear me
MRS. LOVETT: My heart's a flutter
SWEENEY: When I pound the floor
MRS. LOVETT: When you pound the floor
SWEENEY: Its a signal to show that they're ready to go when I pound the floor
MRS. LOVETT: Yes I know you told me you'd be ready to go when you pound the floor!
Will you trust me? Will you trust me?
SWEENEY: I just want to be sure
MRS. LOVETT: I'll be waiting below for the whistle to blow
SWEENEY: when I'm certain that you're in place
I'll pound three times
three times
To warn you
three times
that means

ENSEMBLE:
Exactly more hot pies! God!
More hot! right! More pies! More! Right!

MRS. LOVETT:
How about it dearie?
be here in a twinkling
just confirms my theory
Toby, God watches over us
sit and have an inkling
Toby, throw the old woman out

TOBY: (at same time as MRS. LOVETT)
Is that a pie fit for a king?
Oh wondrous sweet and most delectable thing
you see maam why there is no meat pie

ENSEMBLE:
God, that's good! That is de-have-u-licious at the tasty smell such oh my god what's perfect more that pies such flavor God
that's good!

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate,
Sitting in cages,
Never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits,
Beckoning, beckoning,
Just beyond the bars.
How can you remain,
Staring at the rain,
Maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing
Anything?
How is it you sing?

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
Whence comes this melody constantly flowing?
Is it rejoicing or merely halloing?
Are you discussing or fussing
Or simply dreaming?
Are you crowing?
Are you screaming?

Ringdove and robinet,
Is it for wages,
Singing to be sold?
Have you decided it's
Safer in cages,
Singing when you're told?
My cage has many rooms,
Damask and dark.
Nothing there sings,
Not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
When they're captive.
Teach me to be more adaptive.

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
Teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly,
Let me sing.